DIVIDED WE FALL
by sjslashfan
Summary: FEMSLASH: What if Janet were also infected during the Broca Divide?
1. Chapter 1 LOWERING BARRIERS

"So what exactly are we dealing with here doctor?" General Hammond asked Dr Janet Fraiser. "How many infected so far?"

"I'm not quite sure yet, General," Janet told him. She was stumped; this was one of the strangest things she had ever seen. "Seven infected so far. As far as I can tell, it starts with an itchy neck, then loss of control and, well, sexual aggression, for want of a better description. This is accompanied initially by a pounding headache and a high fever. So far the evidence suggests that the headache and fever dissipate in, er.." she checked her watch, "on average about 7 hours. But then the Neanderthal-like features develop, and the patient seems to regress to a primitive state."

"So what can we do about it?" Hammond was concerned that soon the whole base would be infected. He was also none too pleased at the thought of his airmen rampaging around out of control.

"I wish I knew, Sir," Janet said. "We've had a small 'breakthrough' of sorts, which is helping to manage the situation. The sexual aggression seems to be an entirely primitive instinct; the patient seemingly targets a member of the opposite sex who he or she deems most likely to provide strong offspring. This, as far as we can tell, has nothing to do with normal attraction. In one case," Janet chose not to reveal names, "a female airman set her sights on a man who, in her normal state, I happen to know she can't stand. But on paper, Sir," Janet shifted, this conversation was so far out of her comfort zone, "he is a strong alpha-male. So I can only conclude that procreation is the reason behind these 'attacks', if you follow me."

"Does that help us to find a cure?" Hammond asked. "How can we stop this?"

"We're no nearer to a cure, Sir," Janet told him. "But we have determined that, by segregating the patients and ensuring there is no contact with the opposite sex, the aggression is greatly reduced, though the primitive-like state remains. So we've set up two nursing teams. The male nurses and Dr Warner are treating the men, and the female nurses and I are treating the female patients."

"Good idea, doctor," Hammond agreed. "Well keep me apprised of any progress, and of any increases in patient numbers."

"Will do Sir," Janet agreed. "And we're running all the tests we can think of. We'll fix this Sir, I'm sure of it."

"If anybody can do it, it's you, Dr Fraiser," Hammond had great confidence in his CMO.

SGSGSGSGSGSGSGSGSGSG

At that moment, unbeknownst to the small CMO, or the general, O'Neill was in the locker room, when he was surprised by Captain Samantha Carter.

"Sorry, didn't know you were in here," he said, surprised; he had thought that the locker room didn't become the women's locker room for another 20 minutes. Suddenly, Sam reached up and grabbed him, kissing him passionately. This was such a breakaway from her usual obedient military self that O'Neill was temporarily startled into inaction.

"I want you," Sam told him huskily.

"Carter!" O'Neill was shocked. "This is a little out of line, don't you think?"

Sam pushed him desprately on to the bench, determined on her task of seducing her superior officer. "You want me?" she asked him.

"No!" he told her sharply. "Not like this. Carter! What's gotten into you?" he then realized what was happening; she was sick, like the others. "I think it's about time you saw a doctor, Doctor," he told her. "Teal'c!" he called out. "Help me out here, we've gotta get her to the infirmary. You hold her arms, I'll take her legs. Try not to let her hurt herself." And between them they carted the struggling and furious captain to the infirmary.

SGSGSGSGSGSGSGSGSGSG

"She's infected, isn't she doc?" O'Neill asked Janet after she had had time to examine her.

"Oh yeah," Janet agreed, "and she's not the only one; they're dropping like flies here. I've called in medical reinforcements; two doctors are on their way from the Academy Hospital, as well as six more nurses. The gender isolation seems to be working well, but we can't seem to get to the root of the problem. You, Daniel and Teal'c are still unaffected, there must be some reason for that. Don't worry, Colonel," she laid a reassuring hand on his arm. "She's okay for the moment, and she'll feel a lot better in a few hours when the headache and fever subside. We'll find the answer."

O'Neill nodded. He knew his feelings for his 2IC were inappropriate, but she was the best damned soldier he'd ever worked with, and he was determined that no harm would come to her.

SGSGSGSGSGSGSGSGSGSG

Teal'c walked into the infirmary a few hours later, to be greeted by bedlam. He started when he saw Sam in the corner of the infirmary, struggling against her restraints, and clearly injured.

"It's okay, Teal'c," Janet saw his look of concern. "She was stabbed by her roommate. Don't worry, it's superficial, she's going to be okay. We've run out of space. We've had to start doubling up on the ISO rooms. We're putting her back in on her own for the moment. She's generally responding well to the segregation, and is much less aggressive than some. You'd better keep out of her way, Teal'c, I don't want her in contact with any males for the moment."

Teal'c nodded his assent, and withdrew.

In truth, Janet was more upset than she had admitted that Sam was infected. She had swiftly developed a close friendship with the brilliant young captain, and hated to see her in pain or distress. Sam was one of the few people that she felt completely comfortable with, though she hadn't admitted to her that she was gay. So she had settled for a friendship with her, and the two women enjoyed each other's company greatly. They both had serious jobs, so it was a huge relief when they were off base to be able to goof off and show their more frivolous sides. Few people, for example, knew that Sam Carter was a pool shark, a poker genius, or that she had run naked through her college for a dare when she was 17. Not many knew either that she was kind, and funny and could be impulsive. Janet knew all this about her, and prayed that she could find a cure to bring her friend back to the person she was.

"Sharon!" Janet called. "Can you open up ISO 10 for me? We're going to put Captain Carter in there." Janet was exhausted, and her head was pounding. She reached up to scratch the back of her neck.

Sharon, her head nurse, opened up the isolation room, and helped Janet guide the gurney to the bed in the far corner of the room. Sam seemed much calmer, and they carefully maneuvered her onto the bed. "I think we can lose the restraints now," Janet said softly, pushing a strand of hair back from the captain's forehead. "She looks real peaceful now, doesn't she?"

Sam had in fact finally fallen to sleep, but Sharon was still surprised to hear the soft, almost wistful tone to the usually forthright doctor's voice.

"She's so beautiful, isn't she?" Janet asked, running her hand down Sam's arm in a tender motion. Sharon's fears were confirmed when Janet's hand slid under Sam's scrubs and she could clearly see her caressing one of Sam's breasts.

"Dr Fraiser," Sharon asked, her voice measured and careful. She didn't want to startle the medic. "Are you okay?"

Janet just looked up, confused. She wasn't really quite sure where she was, or what was happening.

"How's your head?" Sharon asked, already knowing the answer.

"Hurts," Janet's voice was small, and she wavered on her feet, putting her hand against the wall for support.

"Okay," Sharon soothed. "We'll fix that. Why don't you come over here and sit awhile?"

Janet nodded, and allowed Sharon to lead her to the bed opposite Sam's. Sharon put her hand to her forehead, and frowned. "Lie down there for a bit," she told her gently. "I'll be right back."

In under two minutes, Sharon had returned with Dr Michaels, who went immediately to her colleague's bedside. "She's infected," she said, "no real surprise, she's been in the middle of this right from the beginning."

Janet sat up suddenly, confused and frightened. "Let me go," she said sharply, trying to shake off the other doctor's hand. "M'fine. Just need to find a cure." Her words were slurred.

"Sure we do," Michaels soothed. "And we will. Right now, though, you need to lie down. Sharon," she turned to ask her for a sedative, but the nurse was ahead of her, and passed her the prepared syringe. "Thanks," she smiled, and injected Janet on her upper arm, before she realized what was happening. Janet growled with anger, and lashed out, fortunately just missing Michaels' jaw. Janet was stronger than she looked, so Michaels was grateful for her poor aim. "I think we should restrain her," Michaels said, a little sadly. She hated using the restraints, but knew this was the best thing for Janet, and was the only way to stop her hurting herself.

So Sharon called in another nurse, and between the three of them, they managed to change Janet into scrubs and strapped her into restraints on the bed. Michaels gave her an analgesic for the headache and fever.

"Well she's gonna have a rough few hours," Michaels said. "But then she'll start to feel better. We've got to find a cure, before the whole base is infected."

"D'you think it's safe to leave her in here?" Sharon asked the medic. "Should we restrain Captain Carter again?"

"I don't think we need to," she replied. "She's calm now; we'll watch on the CCTV, just to make sure."

And the two women withdrew, with Michaels switching on the monitor in her office so she could keep a watch on the ISO room.

SGSGSGSGSGSGSGSGSGSG

For the first three hours, Sam slept soundly, while Janet tossed and turned, sometimes shouting out angrily, other times whimpering as the fever and the headache overwhelmed her. When Sam woke up, she was confused. She hardly knew who she was, her usually overactive brain refusing to enlighten her. She just knew that she was tired and frightened.

Michaels watched as Sam sat up clumsily. As with the other patients, her movements were rougher and less refined, and it was with some difficulty that she got awkwardly to her feet. Michaels watched intently. She wasn't sure what Sam was going to do. The young captain still seemed calm, if confused, and Michaels was relieved to see her stumble to the bathroom. Shortly she heard the toilet flush and the running of water in the basin. Even in her semi-feral state, some instincts were kicking in.

As Sam returned to the room, Janet moaned in her sleep, fighting against her restraints, her movements becoming more panicky.

Sam looked over, seemingly noticing her for the first time. Her face darkened, as she realized her room-mate was distressed. She walked over unsteadily to Janet's bed. At this sight, Michaels was on her feet and sprinted toward the room, calling for Sharon as she went. She had no idea what Sam would do and didn't want to take any risks.

As the two women reached the room, however, they were surprised to see Sam standing by Janet's bed, her calloused hand on her arm, and her other hand stroking her hair. She was making inarticulate soothing noises - she seemed to have lost all language, but the sounds she emitted were clearly intended to calm the young doctor, and amazingly it seemed to be working. Michaels and Sharon stood by the door, as Sam pointed to Janet, miming a drinking action. Michaels was amazed to realize that Sam was instructing them to get some water for Janet, who was still running a fever.

"Sharon, can you get some water?" Michaels asked the nurse. "Is that's what you mean, Sam?" She wanted to know if Sam could still understand language, even if she could no longer speak it. Sam nodded, and went over to Michaels and took her hand, guiding it to Janet's forehead.

"Yes," Michaels told her. "She's running a fever. We know, and we've given her some medication. She'll feel better real soon, Sam, I promise."

Sam looked intently at her, and then nodded briefly. She was clearly taking in all that was being said.

Sharon returned, with a drinking cup with a spout to prevent spillage. She advanced to Janet, but Sam firmly - though with no aggression - took the cup from her. She mumbled something at Janet, and carefully lifted her head from the bed, as far as the restraints would allow. She held the cup to her lips, and Janet drank gratefully. Janet tried to reach out to touch Sam, but her restraints wouldn't allow it.

Sam pulled at the buckles, and again pulled Michaels toward the bed. She didn't seem to have the fine motor skills to unbuckle the restraints, but she clearly wanted her room mate freed.

"You want me to unbuckle her, Sam?" Michaels asked, and Sam nodded vehemently.

Michaels looked over at Sharon. "I think it would be okay. She seems calm, and Sam's showing no aggression toward her. In fact, it's quite the opposite, she looks to me like she's taking care of her. I think we can risk it, what do you think?"

Sharon nodded her assent. "We can always restrain them again if we need to."

And the two women swiftly unbuckled Janet who, as soon as she was free, flung herself sobbing into Sam's waiting arms. Sam rocked her gently, rubbing her hand soothingly up and down her back, murmuring softly to her.

After a few minutes, Janet's sobs subsided, though she still clung tight to her savior. She looked up at Sam's face, and reached up to cup her cheek. She pulled Sam toward her, until the taller woman was perched on the edge of the bed. Janet pulled her further on the bed, and climbed into her lap, clinging tight to one hand. With her other hand, Janet pushed Sam's scrubs top right up until she exposed her breast. She ran her fingers over it, and clasped it clumsily as she brought her mouth up to the nipple. Unexpectedly, Sam didn't start at this contact. Instead, she smiled softly, and cupped the back of Janet's head, cradling her to her chest. Carefully, she lay down next to Janet, keeping a tight hold on her.

Sharon and Francine Michaels watched in amazement as the two women in the bed, who now seemed oblivious to all around them, drifted off to sleep, intertwined in each others' arms.

The doctor and the nurse finally withdrew from the room, reassured that no harm would come to either of their patients.

SGSGSGSGSGSGSGSGSGSG

"Make sure the CCTV feeds only to my office," Michaels instructed a technician as she left Sam and Janet's room. "I don't want it showing anywhere else, you understand?" The technician nodded, and went to complete his task.

"So what the hell d'you think happened?" Sharon asked Michaels, once they were back in her office, away from the eyes and ears of the rest of the infirmary.

"Looks pretty clear to me," Michaels mused. "They're gay, and haven't been able to act on it up to now, military regulations and all that. But in their primitive states, they're letting their instincts take over. That's all, I guess. None of this is going in the notes, though. This is a private matter, and nobody else must know."

Sharon nodded her agreement. "It's kind of cute, though, isn't it, the way Captain Carter's tending to Janet?"

"It sure is," Michaels said. "Damned regulations. Those two are perfect for each other."


	2. Chapter 2 DENIAL

After keeping a close eye on Sam and Janet for the first twelve hours, Dr Francine Michaels ordered that the CCTV be switched off. "I'll take full responsibility," she explained to the tech team. "But there's no need for it now, they're fine."

In truth, Michaels found it uncomfortable watching the two women in their isolation room, and felt a little seedy having to observe their behavior, even though she knew she was only doing her job. The virus had stripped them of all inhibitions, and they couldn't seem to keep their hands off each other. It seemed that when they weren't sleeping, or eating, they were making love. And, once Michaels was assured that they weren't going to hurt each other, she concluded that the best thing was to give them some privacy.

She still checked them twice a day, and while still obviously feral, they were calm and almost docile. The only time she sensed any aggression in either of them was when she got too close to the other, or drew blood. But she was careful to explain to them, in simple terms, that she was only caring for their health, and that what she was doing would help them. So they allowed her to do her work, while watching carefully for any untoward actions.

"What are you going to tell the general?" Sharon asked Michaels on the morning of the second day.

"Nothing," Michaels replied. "At least, nothing that he doesn't need to know. The relationship that's developing between Captain Carter and Dr Fraiser doesn't impact their medical treatment in any way, nor does it help to find a cure for the others. I'll just tell him that they are relatively calm, though still infected. We can't let this get out, Sharon, it could affect their careers. This is a private issue between them."

Sharon nodded. "You can count on me," she told her. She liked Janet and Sam a good deal, and would do nothing to compromise their positions with the SGC. She, too, was relieved not to have to observe them on the CCTV any longer.

**SGSGSGSGSGSGS**

Sam and Janet were both very confused and disoriented. They knew that something was wrong, badly wrong, and they felt frightened and agitated. The regular visits from Michaels and Sharon were reassuring, as they told them on every visit, that they were suffering from a sickness, and would soon be cured. In their Neanderthal states, they found it hard to retain information, or to process facts efficiently, but the gentle tones and calm manner of the medical team were a great comfort. Twice, when they were particularly agitated, they were given a light sedative, which helped them to sleep, always entwined in each other's arms.

The reality was that the 'feral' Carter and Fraiser had become completely inseparable, and spent every waking, and sleeping, moment together. Despite the clumsiness of their movements, and lack of language, they were tender and sweet with each other. Michaels was saddened to realize that this tender partnership had only been able to develop as a result of the virus. She wondered whether they would be able to remain together once a cure was found, as the military environment was hardly a favorable one for such liaisons.

**SGSGSGSGSGSGS**

Four days into the outbreak, the medical team had a breakthrough. This was due in part to Janet's notes, which stated that the virus was a histaminolytic, and worked on histamines in the body. Thanks to O'Neill offering himself up for experimentation (he had become infected shortly after Sam), it became clear that large doses of clorpheniramine maleate was effective in treating the virus. O'Neill was back to his old self, despite being very fatigued, and it had worked on one of the other airmen as well.

Michaels let herself in to Sam and Janet's ISO room, and was touched to see the two women curled up like baby kittens in each other's arms. She hated to wake them, but knew it was her duty.

Gently, she touched Sam on the arm, and the young captain roused herself and blinked blearily at the doctor.

Michaels explained the situation, and Sam nodded slowly, seeming to grasp the concept. She put out her arm for the injection.

Once Michaels had injected her, she approached Janet, but Sam blocked her way. Shaking her head vigorously, she managed to convey to the doctor that she didn't want Janet to be injected until they were all sure that it was safe.

"You'll likely sleep for about eight hours after," Michaels told Sam, "or at least that's what Colonel O'Neill did. And, we hope, when you wake up you'll be completely cured."

Sam looked at her for a few seconds, her gaze unwavering. Then she nodded briefly, and carefully but firmly pushed her toward the door. Michaels took the hint and left, and Sam returned to the bed she shared with Janet, and climbed in next to her, wrapping her longer limbs round her smaller lover.

**SGSGSGSGSGSGS**

A couple of hours later, Sharon entered the ISO room, leaving a full set of BDUs and underwear for Sam. So when Sam woke up, just over seven hours after receiving the treatment, the clothes were ready waiting for her.

As she awakened, she wondered briefly where she was. Then she looked down at Janet in her arms, and it all came flooding back to her. Then she started to panic; had she really let her sexuality come out into the open, after hiding it so well all these years?

She climbed off the bed, showered swiftly and dressed. She then rapped on the door to the ISO room, "It's me, Carter," she called. "The drug worked. I'm okay."

Sharon came to the door. "Captain Carter," she smiled. "It's good to see you back to your old self. Dr Michaels would like to see you, before taking you to the infirmary for a few tests, is that okay?"

"Sure," Sam pretended a confidence she didn't feel. She was shaking with trepidation by the time she reached Michaels' office.

"It's nothing to worry about," Michael told her, as she closed the office door behind her to ensure privacy. "I just wanted to reassure you that there was nothing in your behavior that I felt warranted reporting to the general. Or to anyone," she saw the relief that passed over Sam, though she tried to school her face into a neutral expression. "It's okay, Sam" Michaels continued, in a gentle voice. "There's nothing in the notes, nothing on the CCTV tapes. Nobody need ever know about you and Janet."

"I'm not gay," Sam whispered, trying to convince herself more than anyone, "it was just the virus."

Michaels looked at her straight in the eye. "The virus doesn't change your sexuality, Sam," she told her. "It just lowers inhibitions."

"I'm not!" Sam insisted hotly.

"It doesn't matter what you are," Francine Michaels just wanted to put her arms round the vulnerable captain and give her a hug. "Your private life is just that; private. And it's gonna stay that way, you have my word."

"Thank you," Sam tried to keep her voice from cracking. "I appreciate that."

**SGSGSGSGSGSGS**

After a battery of tests in the infirmary, Sam was declared fit, and sent home for the rest of the week to recuperate, with strict instructions not to return until the following Monday. Normally, she would have objected, but she was uncharacteristically keen to get off base. Only Michaels and Sharon guessed that this was because she wanted to avoid any awkwardness with Janet.

Janet was given the antidote shortly after Sam had woken up, so Sam knew that it wouldn't be long before she was up and about. So she was relieved to reach her house, and to lock the door behind her. Her mind was a turmoil; part of her was still full of love and tenderness - and passion - for Janet Fraiser, but another part just couldn't face up to reality. She wanted to sweep it all under the rug, to resume her brilliant military career, to continue to go offworld, to be part of the military machine which was so important to her.

Once she got back in her house, she was restless and agitated. So she went to the market for some groceries; she wasn't hungry, but she wanted something to fill the time, and as she'd been banned from working, shopping was as good a displacement activity as any. But she still couldn't settle when she got back, so she changed into her running clothes, and let herself out of the house, determined to run until she was physically exhausted; maybe then she could sleep and forget all about the last few days?

She ran for miles, only returning two hours later, dripping with sweat, her heart pounding. She stripped off and got into the shower, where she turned the water up to an almost unbearable heat, almost scalding her skin, and stayed in for ages. When she finally emerged, she climbed into her pajamas and crawled into her bed. So she didn't know how long she'd been in there when she heard her doorbell ringing insistently.

"I'm comin', I'm comin'," she muttered grumpily, as she shrugged on her robe and made her way to the door. Looking through the peephole, she was shocked to see Janet standing on her doorstep. She opened the door.

"Janet!" she exclaimed. "What are you doing here?"

"We need to talk," Janet came straight to the point. "I needed to see you, Sam."

Sam ushered her into the house, and pointed dumbly at the couch. Janet sat down.

"Want something to drink?" Sam said, eventually, breaking the silence between them. Her tone was brisk, she was trying desperately not to show any emotion.

Janet shook her head. "I needed to see you," she said again. "After the last few days."

"It was the virus," Sam's words overlapped Janet's. "I'm so sorry about what happened. I'm not gay, Janet," even to Sam's ears this excuse sounded thin. "I mean, we're not gay. It's just something that happened because of the virus."

"That's not true, Sam," Janet's voice was small and shaky. "I am gay; I always have been. I just never told you. And I think you are too, you just can't admit it to yourself."

"Damn it, Janet," Sam's voice was harsh. "Are you not listening to me? I told you I'm not gay. I've never... slept with a woman before," she could barely keep the disgust out of her voice. "D'you really think they'd have let me in the military if I'd been gay?"

"They let me in," Janet whispered. "I just didn't tell them. And my guess is the same goes for you. You may not have slept with a woman before, Sam. But you have now. And we've got to work out where we go from here."

"We go back to how it was," Sam was shaking. "We're friends. Good friends. But we're not lovers. We'll forget about this in time. You may be gay Janet, and I won't tell anybody. But I'm not. I'm really not." She struggled to contain her tears.

"So that's it?" Janet asked. "That's how you want to leave it?"

"That's how it is," Sam's voice was cold. She couldn't bring herself to tell Janet - or even herself - the real truth.

Wordlessly, Janet got up from the couch and headed for the door. She turned and gave a final pleading look at Sam. "Sam..." she started.

"I'll see you Monday," Sam cut in. "Get some rest, Janet, you look exhausted."

So Janet left the house and climbed into her car. Sam watched her from the window, and it was only when she heard the ignition start, and saw the car pull away, that she allowed the full horror of what had just happened to seep through to her mind. "Oh God," she cried out in an anguished tone, emotion flooding through her, "Janet I'm so sorry." And she slid to the floor, wracked with sobs. She felt her whole world crumbling beneath her, and wondered how she could ever be happy again.


	3. Chapter 3 FACING FACTS 3 of 4

Sam could only remember being this unhappy once before in her life, and that was when her beloved mother had died. But even then she didn't have the added burden of guilt. Deep down, she knew that the way she was treating Janet was callous in the extreme. But she just couldn't face her own feelings. She'd known for a very long time that she was only attracted to women, and she hated herself for that. She would have given anything to be 'normal', to be attracted to men, to find herself a good husband and to settle down. Get a dog. Have kids. Bake cakes. Well, maybe not the baking part. But she hankered after a normal family life, wanted acceptance. So she had carried on, trying to fool herself. She wondered sometimes if that was one of the reasons she had joined the military; if she hadn't worked in an environment that frowned so definitely on same-sex relationships, she may have weakened. And she couldn't allow that.

Her heart had missed a beat when she was first introduced to the beautiful and brilliant Dr Janet Fraiser, but she had tamped down her feelings. Somehow she managed to hide her attraction to the petite doctor, and the two women had developed a firm friendship. Sometimes it was difficult, working in a male-dominated environment - though she knew she was lucky with her team. None of them ever showed any hint of sexism, and they all appreciated her for her skills as a soldier and as a scientist. But Janet appreciated her for what she brought to the friendship, and she knew her as a person, someone to laugh and to cry with. She had loved that friendship more than any other before. All that was lost now, of course. Janet would never forgive her for abandoning her so cruelly. And why should she? Janet had had the courage to tell Sam the truth, and Sam had just shut the door in her face.

Sam knew the next few days were going to be hard, so she threw herself into domestic tasks. She serviced the lawn mower, stripped and reassembled her three motorcycles, painted her spare bedroom, put up more shelving in her study, and souped-up all five of her home computers. She had hoped that keeping frenetically busy would help her to keep her mind off Janet, and she cursed the general for banning her from returning to the mountain until Monday. But while her busy schedule kept her occupied, in each activity she could see Janet. Getting out her set of screwdrivers, she recalled buying them on a shopping trip with Janet. Painting the spare bedroom was something she had been going to do with the help of the doctor - Janet had even helped her choose the paint. And when she carelessly let her attention wander and cut her hand deeply on the sharp engine housing of her Indian motorcycle, she almost wept, knowing with what tender care Janet would have stitched the wound. Instead, she went to the local emergency room and got three stitches put in by a bored and frankly not very interested intern.

Sam couldn't wait until Monday; SG-1 was due to ship out to P3X-449 for three days. The mission promised to be a busy one, collecting samples, negotiating with the locals, learning about the culture. Daniel was very excited about some Mayan-looking remains, and Sam was looking forward to being busy, and to taking her mind off Janet, and off her own behavior, which made her hot with shame when she contemplated it. She wasn't looking forward to seeing Janet at the pre-mission medical, but hoped that maybe she'd get one of the other doctors. She wouldn't have to explain her stitched hand to Warner, but Janet would want to know all the details, check it was healing properly.

**SGSGSGSGSGSGSGSGSGSG**

Unbeknownst to Sam, though she could have guessed it, Janet was having as hard a time as she was. Janet felt foolish for declaring herself to Sam, when the beautiful scientist clearly wasn't ready for it. Should she have waited, she wondered? Would Sam ever be able to face up to the person that she was? Janet knew that the tenderness that Sam had shown her when she was infected with the virus, was the 'real' Sam showing through. Though they had been sick, confused and frightened, those few days when she was entirely with Sam, would always remain in her memory as the tenderest and most loving days of her life.

But Sam didn't want her. Actually, Janet knew that wasn't true. Sam wasn't allowing herself to want her, she was probably making herself as unhappy as she made Janet. Janet tried to understand, but kept coming back to the same thing; they were gay. Both of them. And they loved each other. And physically they had fitted each other like a glove. Despite her assurances that she had never slept with another woman, Sam had known exactly what to do, and had played Janet like a violin; Janet had returned the favor. The ecstasy that they had felt with each other couldn't be faked. They were soul mates, if only Sam would allow that to happen.

So Janet tried, like Sam, to make herself as busy as possible. She baked, gardened and cleaned the house like a whirling dervish for three days, which at least had the desired result of rendering her physically exhausted at the end of each day. But still she couldn't sleep, and kept waking in the middle of the night, haunted by nightmares of the experience they had shared. She was also haunted by the thought of what could never be.

On Sunday morning, to make things worse, Janet awoke with a bad headache, and stiffness in all her limbs. Perhaps she had overdone the physical work she had been doing, she thought. It had been a long time since she had spent five consecutive hours digging in her garden, and it now seemed that it was taking its toll. So she got up, vowing to take things easier during the day. After all, she was due back at work on Monday, and was already worrying about seeing Sam again at the SGC.

However, even though she took it easy during the day, Janet continued to feel worse and worse. By mid-afternoon, her head was pounding, her joints all felt bruised and tender, and she just couldn't get warm. So she headed back to bed, took two Tylenol and wrapped herself in several quilts.

By 0400hrs, as she stumbled weakly back to her bed having thrown up for the second time, Janet realized that it was more than just stress and exhaustion. She had stomach 'flu, she reflected bitterly. If life wasn't tough enough, she now had this to contend with. She 'phoned the infirmary at the SGC and told them she wouldn't be coming in the next day, that they would have to get someone in to cover. Great, she thought, now Sam would think she was avoiding her. If just she could get warm, she might start to feel better.

**SGSGSGSGSGSGSGSGSGSG**

Dr Francine Michaels was walking to her car, on her way to the Academy Hospital, when her cellphone rang. She learned that she would be required at Cheyenne Mountain today instead, one of the doctors was off sick and she was needed to conduct some pre- and post-mission medicals.

Michaels guessed immediately that it was Janet who wasn't coming in, though she was wrong as to the reason why. Janet wasn't avoiding a difficult situation, she was genuinely sick. So Michaels was surprised that Janet didn't turn up mid-afternoon, having had a miraculous recovery. Maybe she really was sick, she wondered. So she picked up the 'phone to call her colleague.

The 'phone seemed to ring for an age before Janet's weak voice finally answered, "Fraiser."

"Janet?" Michaels asked. "That you? Frankie Michaels here. You sound dreadful."

"Not one of my ten best days," Janet's voice was small and shaky. "Stomach 'flu."

"Oh shit, Janet," Michaels said. "Is there anybody there? Don't tell me you're on your own."

"M'okay," Janet lied. "Jus' need to sleep."

"I'm coming over now," Michaels' tone was sharper than she intended. Janet sounded terrible, and the 'flu could really knock a person out.

"In my garage. There's a denim jacket. House key is in the inside pocket," Janet sounded as though she was struggling to keep it together. "In case I'm asleep."

**SGSGSGSGSGSGSGSGSGSG**

Within the hour, Frankie Michaels and Janet's head nurse Sharon were letting themselves into her house. Entering her bedroom, Michaels saw the small form, under a pile of quilts. First, she thought she was asleep, but as she approached she saw that Janet's eyes were open and fearful. She was also bathed in sweat and shaking.

Michaels put her hand on her forehead. "Shit, Janet, you're burning up," she told her.

"Yeah," Janet said weakly.

"Have you been sick?" Michaels asked her, as she took her pulse.

"Uh huh," Janet said.

"Just a little, or a lot?" Michaels was worried about dehydration.

"Fair bit," Janet admitted. "Can't keep anything down, not even water."

Michaels noticed the jug of water on the night stand, as well as the bucket by the bed.

"Okay, I think we should get you to the infirmary."

"No!" Janet's voice was panicky. "Please no. I'll be okay." The pallor of her skin and the weakness of her voice gave the lie to that statement.

"I can stay, Frankie," Sharon said in a quiet voice. "I'm on leave for three days now, I can look after her. And I'll bring her in if she gets any worse."

Janet looked at her gratefully. She just couldn't face being in her own infirmary right now.

Finally, Michaels agreed. Sharon was a skilled nurse, and could hook up an IV in seconds, which was good as that was the first thing they did, to try to rehydrate the sick doctor. Michaels also gave her some strong antibiotics, as well as a light sedative. After giving a list of instructions as long as her arm to Sharon, she finally left, promising to return the next morning on her way to the mountain.

**SGSGSGSGSGSGSGSGSGSG**

Sam had been nervous as she made her way to the infirmary on the Monday morning for her pre-mission medical, so her relief when Warner checked her over was immense. Usually she did all she could to avoid Warner. She found his manner off-putting, and there was no warmth at all to the man. Anything was better than facing Janet though.

She heard from Daniel, who had been in more of a mood to chat with the infirmary staff that morning, that Janet had called in sick. Like Michaels, Sam suspected that her illness was 'political' and that she just wanted to avoid Sam. She couldn't blame her, and it made her feel even more guilty.

Over the next three days, Sam was uncharacteristically quiet, until eventually O'Neill cornered her. "Spill, Carter. Something's bothering you, and I want to know what it is."

Sam jumped guiltily. "There's nothing wrong, Sir," she said, in a firm voice that brooked no discussion. "I'm a little tired is all. But I'm fine."

O'Neill looked at her. "Bullshit Carter," he didn't bother to phrase his words carefully. "But if you're not gonna spill, try and pretend a bit better, will ya?"

"Is there something wrong with my work?" Sam's voice had a cold edge to it. She knew she was performing well.

"No Carter, you know there's nothing wrong with your work. Your work is perfect. Always is. You know that. I'm just worried that you've... lost your mojo."

"My mojo?" Sam tried to smile at his obvious attempt to lighten the atmosphere. "Sorry about that Sir, I'll do my best to locate it. Just for you Sir." And at this she did manage a small smile.

"That's all I ask Carter, that's all I ask." He patted her awkwardly on the shoulder.

Sam tried after that to pretend a cheer she didn't feel. She knew she wasn't kidding the others, not for one moment, but they all seemed relieved that she was at least trying. Whatever it was, mused O'Neill, Carter would work it out.

**SGSGSGSGSGSGSGSGSGSG**

Janet had a miserable three days, though she was very grateful to Sharon who looked after her tenderly, and slowly she began to feel better, physically if not emotionally. By Wednesday afternoon, her fever was way down, and after helping her bathe and changing the mussed sheets on her bed, Sharon decided it was safe to leave her for a few hours while she went to the mountain for her evening shift at the infirmary. Frankie was due to visit Janet that evening, so she would only have just over three hours on her own.

As she walked up the corridor, Sharon was surprised to see the returning SG-1 leaving the infirmary, clearly having just had their post-mission medical. At the back was Captain Carter. Sharon made her mind up, and approached the young woman. "Captain Carter, may I have a word?" she asked.

"You go Carter," said O'Neill. "Briefing's not for an hour. See you there."

So Sam had no choice but to follow Sharon into Janet's office.

"Sit down," Sharon told her in a firm voice. Despite Sam having a higher rank, she obeyed, almost timidly. Sharon looked her straight in the eye. "You've broken her heart, you know that?" her tone was accusing.

"Now listen," Sam was immediately on the defensive. "I told Janet, and I'm telling you, I'm not gay. What the hell has it got to do with you, anyway?" she felt angry, and cornered. "What have you got to do with anything?"

"What have I got to do with it?" Sharon's voice rose. "I'll tell you. I've spent the last three days looking after Dr Fraiser, holding her while she threw up, sponging her down. Listening to her call your name when she was delirious. She loves you Captain. And I think you feel the same."

"She's really sick?" Sam paled. "I thought she was just avoiding me. Crap. Is she okay?"

"Of course she's not okay," Sharon spat. "She's trying to get over the 'flu, and she's never been so unhappy. She's been betrayed. By you."

"Sharon," Sam changed tactic. "Look, even if I wanted to... It's just not possible. This is the military. Can you even begin to imagine what would happen?"

Sharon softened. She went up to Sam, kneeled by her, and took her hand. "It is possible, Sam. Nobody need know. Or nobody you don't trust. I know it's possible. *We* know it's possible. Me and Frankie, I mean."

Sam stared. "Are you telling me..?"

"Six years," Sharon nodded. "And nobody's guessed. Hammond knows."

"General Hammond knows?" Sam was dumbfounded. "What did he say?"

"He doesn't give a rat's ass, Sam, that's what I'm trying to tell you," Sharon said. "It doesn't have to mean the end of your career. But even if it did," she looked Sam straight in the eye. "Isn't Janet worth it?"

Sam started to weep; all the emotions she had kept bottled up for years just flooded out of her. Sharon pulled her into a tight hug, and held her for about fifteen minutes as the sobs wracked her slim frame. "She'll never forgive me," Sam eventually whispered, "and she's right. I've been an asshole. My behavior was unforgivable."

"I don't think that's true, Sam," Sharon told her gently. "And anyway, doesn't she deserve the chance to make that decision for herself?"

Sam nodded. "I'll try," she promised. "Thank you. For everything."

Sharon hugged her again. "You'd better wash your face before your briefing," she advised, giving her hand a quick squeeze. "And then I think there's somebody you want to visit."

"There is," Sam said firmly. "There sure is."


	4. Chapter 4 MOVING FORWARD 4 of 4

After four days, Janet was sick of the sight of the four walls of her bedroom. Though Sharon had advised her to stay put in her bed for the rest of the day, she decided to defy these instructions, and made her way to the living room. She grabbed a pile of CDs, filled a jug with watered-down orange juice and found a novel to divert her. She wrapped herself in the thick comforter, and settled down on the couch for the afternoon. Just these few exertions exhausted her, however, and she very soon fell off to sleep, the novel slipping from her hand, her glasses perched awkwardly on her nose.

So when Sam let herself into the house (she had long had a key to Janet's house, just as Janet had to hers), she was greeted with the sound of Bach's cello suites, and the sight of her dearest friend curled up on the couch, snoring gently.

Sam realized that the CD playing was the one that she had given Janet for her last birthday. It probably meant nothing, but she chose to believe that it might, possibly, mean that Janet had been thinking of her. She smiled, when she saw Janet's glasses at an angle on her face. Sam was one of the few people who knew Janet needed glasses; at the SGC she wore her contact lenses and was surprisingly vain about not admitting her myopia. She only wore her glasses at home, when she was particularly tired, or her eyes were especially dry.

Sam leaned forward, and very carefully removed Janet's glasses, setting them quietly on the table. Janet mumbled and turned, pressing her face closer into the pillow. It was then that Sam noticed just how grey and sunken her expression was, and gasped at the sharpness of her cheekbones. Janet had lost a lot of weight these past few days, she must have been really sick.

Sam was desperate to talk to Janet, but knew she couldn't wake her. So she picked up the novel from the floor. She smiled again; 'To Kill A Mockingbird' was one of Janet's favorites, she had obviously chosen a comforting old friend to help her relax. Sam sat in a large, over-stuffed armchair facing the couch and waited. She tried to concentrate on the book, but found herself just watching Janet as she shifted in her sleep. At least her sleep was fairly restful, Sam mused, she must be recovering.

Janet awoke over an hour later, confused. She blinked blearily and saw an indistinct figure in the armchair opposite her. Her eyes were full of sleep and, of course, her glasses were still on the table. "Frankie?" she asked, her voice still thick from sleep.

"No, Janet," Sam replied, in a soft voice. "It's not Frankie. It's me. Sam."

Janet struggled to sit up on the couch. "Sam," her voice was tense, "What are you doing here?"

Sam was horrified to realize that Janet's expression was wary, even a little frightened. "Oh Janet, I'm not here to hurt you again. I promise. I know I behaved badly. Really badly. I was an asshole."

Janet's reply was quiet but firm, "yes, you were."

"I know. I know I can't ask you to forgive me," Sam's words were rushed. She had prepared a whole speech on her way over to Janet's house, but all that flew out of the window now, she couldn't remember any of it. "I just want you to know that I realize how badly I behaved, and I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Jan," Sam's voice cracked.

"I don't know what you want me to say, Sam," Janet reached out for a glass of juice to relieve her parched throat. "That it's okay? 'cos it's not. I made a fool of myself, I thought you could love me. I was wrong. You were disgusted with me. Let's just leave it there, huh? Unless you want to tell me again how wrong it is to be gay. How I've chosen to be some sort of freak." Janet knew her words were cruel, but she was tired, her emotions were threatening to overwhelm her. And the woman she loved more than anything in the world was sitting opposite her, trying to make excuses for shattering her hopes and rejecting her with harsh words.

So it was too late then, Sam thought. Well, it was no more than she deserved. She felt her eyes fill with tears, but she brushed them away angrily. She would not weep in front of Janet, she had already hurt her too much. "I know it's not wrong Janet. And I also know it's not a choice. I tried to make a choice; I tried to choose being straight. But it doesn't work like that, I know that. I've been running for years, trying to pretend I'm 'normal'. And I *am* normal. But I'm also gay. And I've finally decided to live with it. I know it's too late for us, I've hurt you too badly. I just wanted you to know that I'm sorry, sorrier than you can imagine that I screwed it up for us. Sorry that I made you feel bad about who you are. You are a wonderful, warm, funny, tender, beautiful, sexy woman. And you deserve to meet somebody special. I pray that one day you will. And I will always regret hurting you. That's all I wanted to say." And she got up and headed for the door.

"Wait," Janet's voice was small and scared. "Don't go."

Sam turned to look at the small doctor, and saw fear and confusion in her eyes. But her heart leapt when she thought she also saw a glimmer of hope in them.

"You can't ever do that to me again, Sam," Janet's gaze was penetrating. "I don't think I can take that again. If we're gonna try this, we've got to do it right. I don't want to lie to anybody about it. And if either of us starts to lie to ourselves, we're dead in the water. This has to be a positive thing in our lives, not something to be hidden, to be ashamed of."

Sam's heart was in her mouth. "Does this mean... oh God," she choked back a sob. "Does this mean you'll give me a second chance? That we can do this?"

"If you still want to," Janet replied, her voice shaking with emotion. "I love you, Sam. I always have."

Sam approached the couch, and reached out gingerly to stroke Janet's cheek, noting again how drawn and tired she looked. "I love you too, Jan," she said softly. "And I'll never let you down again, I promise."

Janet patted the seat next to her on the couch, too emotional to speak. Sam sat down, and drew Janet to her, enveloping her in her strong arms, and held her as she began to cry. "Hold me, Sam," she begged. "Just hold me."

So Sam held her tight, until her sobs lessened, and eventually she stilled. Sam realized that she had fallen to sleep again. Carefully, she pulled her fully on to her lap, and drew the comforter around her.

**SGSGSGSGSGSGSGSGSGSGS**

When Frankie Michaels let herself into the house two hours later, she was surprised, but delighted, to see the two women on the couch together. She gave Sam a warm smile, and touched her on the arm. "How's she doin'?" she whispered.

Janet stirred. "I'm okay, Frankie. Everything's okay now. We're okay."

Sam smiled. "We sure are."

At that moment, Sam's cellphone trilled. She took it out and looked at the number. "Sorry," she apologized, "it's the mountain. I'd better get this." And she got up carefully from the couch and headed toward the kitchen.

"And I just want to check a few things with Janet," Michaels said, as she moved toward her patient. "You take your time."

**SGSGSGSGSGSGSGSGSGSGS**

Ten minutes later, Sam returned to the living room. Frankie Michaels was now sitting on the couch, Janet's hand in her own. "So you two worked it out, then?" she asked Sam.

"I think so," Sam was smiling, "Janet's giving me a second shot. And I'm not going to screw it up this time."

"Who was that on the 'phone?" Janet asked.

"Oh that was Daniel," Sam replied. "Apparently they've got a minor problem with the dialling program. Nothin' serious, but he wondered if I was anywhere near the mountain."

"How long will it take you?" Janet asked, wondering if Sam would still have time to make it back that evening.

"No time at all, honey," Sam smiled. "I'm not going in. I told him my girlfriend's sick and I don't want to leave her."

"You said what?" Janet spluttered.

Sam knelt in front of Janet, and took her hand in her own. "I told him. About us. Asked him to tell the colonel I'm taking some of that leave owing to me, and that I won't be back until next week. I'm going to look after you Janet, if you'll let me?"

"What about your career?" Janet wanted to know. "If Daniel tells the colonel, it'll all be out in the open."

"I don't care about that Janet. I nearly lost you; I'm not running that risk again. We can tell SG-1, they won't care. Well, actually, that's not true. They will care. Daniel was like a kid in a candy shop, he's so excited for us. And the colonel and Teal'c will be too, I'm sure. And we all know General Hammond can keep a secret."

At this, she glanced at Frankie, who smiled. "He sure can," she agreed.

"Anyway, if they don't like it, I'll leave. Some things are more important," Sam was resolute. Her cellphone trilled again. "It's the colonel," she told the others. "That was quick! Hey Sir," she spoke into the phone. "Yes, that's right. No, Daniel hasn't got it wrong. Janet and I are together, which is more than I deserve after behaving like an ass. Yes, she sure is Sir. I know I'm a lucky woman, I'm gonna try to make it up to her. Yes, I will Sir thank you. And Sir," a small grin crept over her face, "I think I've located my mojo."

END


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